Dating couples one wants a dog the other doesnt
However, not judging doesn’t mean I can’t quickly deduce signposts that foretell the future health of the relationship.
You still go on adventures together Numerous studies have shown that couples who don’t just keep repeating movie and pizza evenings, but inject new activities into their relationship from enrolling in a massage or cooking class to volunteering for a cause to simply trying a sport together, have a better chance of staying happy than do couch potatoes.
That is because, as documented by Arthur Aron, a professor of social psychology, new experiences flood the brain with dopamine and norepinephrine, the ‘feel good’ brain chemicals that typically get activated early on in a relationship, then drop away as deadening routine and familiarity take over.
You celebrate one another’s successes Research bears out a factor I have witnessed: that couples able to truly root for their partner to triumph often emerge triumphant in their relationships.
You hold onto grudges like a camel stores water Four years after Bill was 40 minutes late to their Valentine’s dinner, Jeannie still holds a grudge.
In graduate school, my professor for couples class told us that she hated the word compromise. I had heard it a million times; marriage is about compromise. One person wants yellow walls, and the other wants blue, Green it is. How we talk about things matters, and little adjustments can make significant differences. Sharing your feelings keeps you both on the same team.
When a couple walks in to my office that are obviously full of contempt for one another and light up only when the opportunity to ‘crush’ the other appears, I cringe.
I know if they cannot quickly learn how to moderate this horrific behavior, and to not only stop blaming their partner but take responsibility for their own share of dysfunction, this is not a case I want to take on.
If I could give you one piece of advice it would be this: always have a go-to karaoke song. When one person wants to live in the city, while the other wants to live in the suburbs, how do you compromise when one person is sure to lose? Which can quickly turn into you didn’t do this so why should I have to do that. Keeping score keeps you on separate teams and takes your perspective away from what is essential — each other. Marty did the same years later when Ruth started the ACLU Women’s Rights Project. Adjust your thinking, supporting your partner should not feel like a compromise or a sacrifice.
If I could give you a second piece of advice it would be: stop saying marriage is about compromise. Here is what Marty had to say about their relationship, “I have been supportive of my wife since the beginning of time, and she has been supportive of me. If one person likes to leave parties early and the other likes to stay out late, don’t compromise and both leave dissatisfied.